We Know A Lot Of Online “Success” Isn’t Fully Real (most of the time)- So Why Are So Many Of Us Still Comparing Ourselves To It?

If you’re a small business owner struggling with comparison, self-worth, or feeling “behind” lately… honestly, I think a lot more people feel this than admit it.

Because the modern online world is psychologically a lot. I see a lot of people who really struggle with this (both within my business network and also with business owner clients), and it’s one of those things where our brain naturally starts creating stories not helped by what we are constantly presented with online, which can then trigger a threat response… the unhelpful brain kicking in, even when we are not actually in any real danger.

Seriously, hear me out… you will probably feel better once this all becomes a bit clearer - so read on.

I am sure you will be familiar with this - open social media for five minutes and apparently everybody is:

• scaling effortlessly

• manifesting abundance and letting the universe decide

• launching a mastermind

• making six figures while drinking an iced matcha in neutral-toned linen

• having photoshoots every other Tuesday in a co-working studio with dried pampas grass

• filming inspirational reels from a five-star hotel in Dubai that may or may not have been financed by Klarna and a prayer (because standing next to a flash car in a 5* must mean you've made it - so let me teach you (eye-roll emoji).

• and somehow all becoming “thought leaders” approximately four business days after discovering Canva.
  

Meanwhile, most actual small business owners I know are just quietly getting on with it.

Building something real. Supporting people properly. Trying to do good work consistently.

Navigating stress, responsibility, self-doubt, rising costs, and unpredictability without turning every moment into a cinematic Instagram reel about “alignment". Some of the more extreme corners of online success culture are built around selling certainty, aspiration, and “transformation” to people who are often genuinely overwhelmed, vulnerable, struggling financially, emotionally exhausted, or desperately looking for hope.

The Part Nobody Talks About

The internet is not just showing you information anymore

It is competing for your nervous system.

Every platform is designed to keep you scrolling through:

• comparison

• aspiration

• novelty

• emotional stimulation

• social validation

• and dopamine spikes
  

So if you sometimes finish scrolling feeling:

• inadequate

• behind

• overstimulated

• anxious

• emotionally flat

• or suddenly convinced everybody else has life figured out except you…

that is not weakness. That is exactly how these platforms are designed to work.

Which is why:

“I made £60k this quarter by aligning my energy" often performs far better online than "Building a sustainable business usually takes years, consistency, emotional resilience, and occasional existential crises”

One sounds magical. The other sounds like reality.

Don’t Get Me Wrong — You Should Be Proud Of Your Success

And I want to say this clearly because balance matters.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with:

• celebrating success

• marketing yourself

• sharing wins

• being visible

• talking proudly about what you’ve built

• nominating yourself for awards

• or enjoying the rewards of hard work

People cannot support businesses they never hear about. And honestly? I love seeing good people doing well. Particularly people who have spent years building something ethical, sustainable, and genuinely supportive.

But I think there’s a difference between:

• authentic visibility

  and

• performative success culture

One feels human. The other feels like somebody read half a mindset book, bought a beige blazer, and suddenly started referring to themselves as a “visionary disruptor.”

There’s an old saying:

“Wealth whispers.”

And while that’s obviously not always true, there is something psychologically interesting about people who constantly need to perform success online.

Sometimes the loudest signalling comes not from deep security… but from fear of not being perceived as enough.

One Thing My Background Has Taught Me…

Before becoming a therapist and hypnotherapist, I worked in senior HR roles, recruitment, sales, start-ups, scale-ups, and community building.

Which means I’ve spent years around:

• confidence

• charisma

• leadership

• branding

• networking

• insecurity

• ego

• genuinely brilliant people

• and people who are essentially just confidence wrapped in a suit or bright colourful clothes.

And one thing I’ve learned? Visibility and substance are not always the same thing.

Some of the most grounded, intelligent, successful people I’ve met barely talk about it online.

And some people spend 94% of their content explaining how successful they are.

Which immediately activates my internal ADHD detective:

“…interesting.”

ADHD Brain: The Human Pattern Recognition Machine

One thing I’ve realised about ADHD brains is we often notice patterns fast.

Research suggests ADHD can involve rapid associative thinking, heightened novelty detection, emotional sensitivity, and increased attentional scanning (Barkley, 2015; Brown, 2013).

Which means online spaces can become exhausting.

Because after a while, it starts feeling like:

• confidence is mistaken for expertise

• visibility is mistaken for credibility

• manipulation is rebranded as marketing

• and emotionally vulnerable people are being sold certainty by people suspiciously certain about absolutely everything.

And the more stressed the nervous system becomes, the more the brain scans externally for reassurance.

Where Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy Fits Into This

One thing I see a lot - both personally and professionally is how stressed brains become very good at scanning.

Scanning:

• success

• comparison

• rejection

• what everybody else is doing

• whether we’re enough

• whether we’re falling behind

And the more overwhelmed somebody becomes, the more the brain looks outside itself for certainty.

Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy approaches this differently which is why I believe in what I am doing.

Rather than endlessly analysing every thought or comparison, the focus is on helping the brain and nervous system become calmer and less reactive over time.

Because not every thought needs:

• analysing

• reacting to

• solving

• or turning into a full existential crisis at 11:36pm.

Sometimes thoughts are just background noise.

And stressed brains produce a lot of noise.

Research into neuroplasticity suggests the brain strengthens the pathways it repeatedly uses (Doidge, 2007; Siegel, 2020).

So if somebody spends years:

• comparing themselves

• scanning for failure

• overthinking

• monitoring everyone else’s success

the brain becomes more efficient at doing exactly that.

Not because they are broken .Because brains adapt.

Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy focuses on gradually interrupting this cycle through:

• calmer thinking

• perspective

• recognising strengths

• reducing overwhelm

• reconnecting with safety

• and taking small realistic steps forward

Not dramatic overnight transformations.

Not “manifesting millions by Thursday.”

Just small shifts that slowly teach the nervous system:

“Maybe I don’t need to monitor everybody else.”“Maybe I’m actually okay.”“Maybe I can stay in my own lane a little more.”

And honestly, that can feel surprisingly freeing.

Because real success probably isn’t:

• performing perfection

• pretending life is easy

• or constantly proving your worth online

Maybe it’s building something sustainable.

Something genuine.

Something that still allows you to feel like yourself underneath it all.

References

• Barkley, R.A. (2015) Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. 4th edn. New York: Guilford Press.

• Brown, T.E. (2013) A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults: Executive Function Impairments. London: Routledge.

• Doidge, N. (2007) The Brain That Changes Itself. New York: Viking.

• Siegel, D.J. (2020) The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. 3rd edn. New York: Guilford Press.